So, I’ve thought about the team we’d need for the zombie apocalypse some more. We’re going to need some heroes: actors, actresses, musicians, athletes from all sports, some politicians, some cartoons, and games, things to occupy peoples’ free time and give them an escape while at the same time giving them hope and something to strive for in the future, and be educational. We’ll need toys too.
You’re going to need people in their 30s and 40s to bridge the gap between the next generation and the baby boomers. You’ll also need youth to find a cure for whatever is turning people into zombies. That’s why it will be important to have good schools where you teach all the core subjects and corps values as well as the arts and P.E.
You’d need to see how people know each other. Teams they’ve played on together, movies they’ve worked on, so we could get people on our side and spread the resistance movement and convert even more people to our cause.
You’d need a cure, but you’d have to make sure it was a permanent cure and not temporary like in the X-Men.
People I’d want on my side are:
Taylor Swift, Hugh Jackman, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, Sara Evans, Lady Antebellum, Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, Rihanna, Mariah Carey, Beyonce, JZ, Coolio, LL Cool Jay, Chris O’Donnell, Drew Barrymore, the cast of Legends of the Fall, Miley Cyrus, Axel Rose, John Claude Van Damme and the cast of Universal Soldier, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the cast of the Terminator movies, Britney Spears, Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey, the cast of Raising Helen and the Notebook, Mark Harmon, Cote De Pablo, Michael Weatherly, Michael Jordan, Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps, Amy Van Dyken-Rouen, Amie Copland from the zip-lining accident who contracted a flesh eating parasite, Amy Robach, Bon Jovi, the Soul Surfer, Kate Bosworth, Josh Duhamel, Tim Tebow, Ron Gant, Glenn Burns, David Chandley, Neal Boortz, Clark Howard, Dave Ramsey, Michael Savage, Sean Hannity, Terry Pendleton, Ryne Sandberg, Dale Murphy, Gary Carter, Ron Darling, Alex Rodriguez, Jerry Rice, Joe Montana, OJ Simpson, Madonna, Mike Piazza, the Cincinnati Reds’ Hammering Three, MC Hammer, Salt N Pepa, En Vogue, the Spice Girls, David Beckham, Snoop Doggie Dog, Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders, Andruw Jones, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, Steve Avery, Mark Wohlers, Mike Stanton, Otis Nixon, Sid Bream, Terry Pendleton, Mark Lemke, Francisco Cabrera, Raphael Ramirez, Bob Horner, Phil Niekro, Nolan Ryan, Cal Ripken Junior, the cast of Definitely Maybe.
We’d want Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Arsenio Hall, Eddie Murphy, Emma Stone, Anne Hathaway, Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, and George Clooney.
I’d want the board games Life, Monopoly, Pente, Connect 4, Password, Taboo, Apples to Apples, Cranium, Banana Grams, Jenga, Battle of the Sexes, Trivial Pursuit, Pictionary. We’d need some puzzles, dominos, card games like Rook, Uno, Skip Bo. We’d need word searches, crossword puzzles, Sudoku games.
I’d want to have the states California, New York, Colorado, Kansas, Illinois, Ohio, Missouri, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Alabama, Florida, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, Arizona, New Mexico, and Washington fighting with me. I’d like to have Europe, India, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Australia, New Zealand, Costa Rica, Colombia, Venezuela, Argentina, Peru, Brazil, Mexico, and Canada as Allies. I’d want to control the Thames, Seine, Yellow River, Mississippi River, the Nile, the Amazon river and rain forest, the Sahara and Death Valley, Black Sea, Red Sea, White Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, AND most importantly, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.
I’d want the band Train, Paco De Lucia, the Gipsy Kings, Three Kings–both military and religious, Counting Crows, Collective Soul, Chris Tomlin, Third Day, John Berry, Rob Thomas, Everlast, Elvis the King and Elvis Costello, Priscilla and Lisa Marie, Chris Cornell and Audioslave, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert Redford, Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, the cast of White Men Can’t Jump, Juliet Lewis, Robert Downey Junior and the cast of the Lost Boys, the numbers 21, 22, 24, and 27, as well as Steven King, Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, Joss Whedon and Josh Wheaton, a couple of Billie Jeans, Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks, Sandra Bullock, Kelly Clarkston and Keith Urban, Keith Whitley, Lori Morgan, Lori Loughlin, and Lori Greiner and some shark oil, Trace Adkins, the Palace Hotel and Central Park, El Retiro, MC Hammer and Guns N’ Roses, the Dixie Chicks and Toby Keith, Serena and Venus Williams, Boris Becker, John McEnroe and John Mayer, John Legend and Tatum O’ Neal, Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, Gwen Stefani, Adam Levine, Pharrell Williams, Prince’s sister, An Officer and a Gentleman, and Intersection to pick up a Pretty Woman, a Delorian to travel in time, lots of Jonses and Smiths. The colors white and black, orange, yellow, green and white, red, white, and blue, and yes, a ROYAL purple. I’d even venture to say we’d need a few shades of pink and mint green as well as several tints, hues, and shades. I’d call up Brad Paisley and the cast of Rising Star (both new and old), the Father of the Bride and the Good Wife, you’d need a good voice that could hold a tune in the wind as well as a cornet player and the whistle song. I’d want the Pyrenees Mountains and the Bosque Region and for Roland to finally get his girl. I’d want Alsace and Lorraine, Luxembourg and Germany, and definitely Switzerland and the Netherlands. And for crying out loud, get Viggo Mortensen even if you have to walk on the moon!!! I’d want Contact, but I want communication and a way to return home even if it is with a volleyball named Wilson.
You’d need to go Down by the Creek Bank and wrestle a snake, and then send out a Proof of Life and pay the Ransom. Then get the cast of Charlies’ Angels both new and old and a Few Good Ryans, Steffi Graf, and Andre Agassi. Next get the cast from the shows House, ER, Grey’s Anatomy. Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Cuba Gooding Junior, Renee Zellweger and Friday Night Lights, the Boys of Summer and the Eagles, Sir-Mix-A-Lot, the cast of the Notebook, Steve Carell, Channing Tatum, Kevin Bacon. The cast of the Fast and the Furious movies, games like Pole Position, Crazy Taxi, Tetris, Pac Man, Styx, Wi machines, X-boxes. And make sure to leave an air hole and raise the ship in Hawaii. Then get some coffee shops with waitresses and baristas like Jennifer Anniston, a baker, and 8th grader, and a Marine, a Navy Seal, and the cast of Friends. Then draft Beavis and Butthead, the Simpsons, South Park, Arrested Development, In Living Color and find some Treckies to fight the Force. Then get some blue people.
We’d need Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Harrison Ford and Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, Antonio Banderas, Melanie Griffith, Don Johnson, Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, Renee Russo, Kevin Costner, John Cusack, Bruce Willis, Jason Patric, Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, Samuel Jackson, Dakota Fanning, the cast from the Twilight Movies and Buffy and Angel the Cast from Brehm Stokers’s Dracula, and the Lost Boys, Fire Fly, Battleship Galactica, Superman, Batman, Thor, the Avengers, Star Wars, Titanic, and I don’t know. Don’t forget to get some Guses and their mommies.
You’ll need to Fight for Your Right to Party. I’d like to have John Travolta, Debra Winger, Richard Gere, Julia Roberts, Darryl Hanah, Robert Duvall, Richard Dreyfuss, Liam Neeson, Daniel Day Lewis, Julia Stiles, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Michael Vartan, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a Doll House. Dude, we’d need a lot of people to convince the zombies and those on the fringe to our way of thinking.
We’d need Jennifer Lawrence, and Liam and Chris Helmsworth. They are really important as well as Bradley Cooper. You’d need to pack some MREs to feed a hungry army and the refugees and those on the fringe. Don’t forget Matthew Goode, Amy Adams, Mandy Moore, Hillary Duff, Chad Michael Murphy, and Meryl Streep, and Amanda Seyfried. And make sure to ride a Gondola and kiss under a bridge on the way to the Vatican.
We’d want Glenn Burns, David Chandley, Monica Pearson, Brenda Woods, Jill Becker, Meg Ryan, Billy Crystal, Diane Lane, Wesley Snipes, Jamie Fox, Tom Berenger, Sean Connery and Camelot. Crying Out to a Beloved Country in South Africa, Nicolas Cage, Jodie Foster, Billy Bob Thornton, the cast of the Deer Slayer, the English Royal Family, Obama, Mitt Romney, Rudolph Giuliani, Aerosmith, Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, some hockey, polo, soccer, and rugby players, golfers. Gwyneth Paltrow, Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman, Jude Law. Please don’t forget the writers and the Gutenberg Press.
Man, I’m tired after trying to get all these people together. We’d need Wayne Gretzky, Jennifer Jones, Mitch Gaylord, Kurt Browning, Scott Hamilton, Katarina Witt, Mary Lou Retton, Dominique Dawes, Shannon Miller, Kerri Strug, Gabby Douglas, some ice skaters, runners, bicycle and motorcycle drivers, triathlons athletes, track and field people, the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean and the Lord of the Rings movies. Gerard Butler, Hillary Swank, Clint Eastwood. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses, musicians, and bartenders, and find a good IT guy.
OK. I’m gonna stop now. I think that’s a good start.
Oh, yeah. I forgot. After further reflection, none of this will work if you don’t have my brother, Penny Lane, and a good Albatross.